Merge

Combining Homes with Minimal Angst

My previous post about Sharing Spaces inspired the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette writer Linda Caillouet to invite me to answer this question for the "Ask the Expert" column in the newspaper this month.   See the question and answer below and get tips for your own merger.  If you've lived to tell about it yourself please leave a comment with your best tips.

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Q:  I am middle-aged and about to be married for the second time. The problem? My future husband and I both have modest-sized homes and have just the right amount of things in them. We can't afford to buy a house any bigger than the ones we each currently own and even if we could, we don't want or need any more square footage. How do we merge our lives — and the contents of our two homes — as fairly and as painlessly as possible?

A:  Like everything else in any successful partnership the key is to communicate, communicate, communicate!  Here are my 13 best tips for a happy home merger:

1.      1.   Make a list - each of you should write down your absolute Must Haves for a new home (whether one of your existing houses or a new space).   Start with the big pieces – bed, sofas, armoires, etc.  Work your way down to decorative accessories, clothes, and treasured mementos.

2.   2.  Measure your planned home’s key areas such as wall space in the living room, cabinet space in the kitchen and baths, and closet space – especially the closet space.  If possible draw up a floor plan to help you visualize how much space is really available.  There are many tools to help online, including Homestyler.com which is fairly easy and free.

e     3.  Begin the negotiations!   Face the facts and admit to your fears – downsizing is difficult for almost everyone and exhausting amounts of compromise will be necessary.    Don’t fight over minor things or heirlooms, and resist the urge to control everything.

         4.  Consider this a chance to “do-over” – keep only the best items that improve your lives and actively choose to simplify.  There is a strong and growing movement in the US toward Minimalism.  People are giving up their expensive, time-consuming stuff and trading for more quality time with people and shared special experiences.  Jump on board – perhaps even in small ways – to a simpler more meaningful life together.

5       5.  Understand that your way is not the only way.  Everyone has their own level of sentimentality, comfort zones, and visual preferences around their things.  Being forced into an unnatural situation is seriously disconcerting - not just a whim.

         6.  Ditch the duplicates – judiciously review and pick the sharpest knives, newest appliances, softest sheets, more useful tools, etc. for your new home.

  7.  Focus on emotionally neutral belongings at the beginning. Don't start the de-cluttering/downsizing with beloved tee shirt or vinyl collections. First tackle less sentimental things like kitchen tools, papers, and gardening implements. 

        8.  Go to your own corners.   Unless you are super compatible in your tastes plan to designate a few places or rooms that you can each totally decorate and organize to your own comfort level.  Establish No Nagging Zones!

         9.  Put decorative items and memorabilia into a display rotation.  Change them out every few months to keep your look fresh and give both partners a chance to enjoy important pieces from their life before the merger.

10.   Rent a TEMPORARY storage unit for the things that you just cannot decide about yet.  You might need to take a breather while you live with your current choices for a while.  This takes some of the pressure off to create the perfect space immediately.  The storage unit could become a more permanent home for rarely used things like holiday decorations, off season patio items, archived papers, and such – if it is worth the financial cost.

     11.  If the budget allows, hire professional help for the downsizing and/or decorating.  An outside objective person and viewpoint can help establish boundaries, ask all the right questions, and be a neutral arbiter.  They bring a vast array of resources to help you dispose of all those extras, finding the best method for your comfort level.  They will be worth every penny.

     12.   Many survivors of this adventure recommend selling both homes and making a mutual purchase that will truly be “ours”.

     13.   Be patient with each other's stuff, listen, and genuinely value opinions.  Be open-minded about your new home – it will not be like your last one.  Merging tastes with your loved one will produce something new and fresh, so embrace it.

At the end of the day remember this most of all:  it's just stuff.  People matter more.

 

By Becca Clark

Owner and Professional Organizer

Creative Convenience  -  Creating Efficient Spaces

Serving Central Arkansas since 2006